


his hands

by boneslen



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst, Brotherly Love, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Reflection, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:07:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25917088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boneslen/pseuds/boneslen
Summary: Axel clasped his hands together, not caring if his fingernails ripped into his skin and made him bleed. Physical pain was foreign to him. It had been for a while.But the emotional pain he felt now, the raw, aching pain that seemed to seize every part of his body and brain, was fresh.-Axel deals with the reality of what he did. He reflects on his time with his brothers, and what it means now that they’re gone.
Relationships: Axel & Oscar & Otto (Umbrella Academy)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 71





	his hands

They were dead. His brothers were gone. One at his hands.

Axel stared heavily at his trembling hands, not even having enough energy to will them to stop.

With a dull pain in his chest, Axel remembered the day they were given this assignment.

The fish, A.J. Carmichael, personally called them in. Fortunately for the brothers, he spoke Swedish. Sometimes Axel wondered how a fish was able to learn a new language. Then Axel realized he never even questioned how it even knew English. So Axel gave up trying to figure that mystery out.

“The Hargreeves siblings. 1963. Dallas, Texas.”

The three of them, Axel, Otto, and Oscar, looked back silently. They were good at that. It unnerved most people.

“You should be familiar with Five,” A.J. continued, bubbling away. “Kill him first.”

Axel didn’t like Dallas.

Well, he didn’t like any part of America. But Dallas in particular was filthy, humid, and irritating. They arrived just one hour after receiving their mission. Five would join this timeline in just a few minutes.

Sighing, Axel reloaded his assault rifle. He wasn’t particularly worried about this assignment. The three of them once wiped out fourteen skilled Albanian agents. In 57 seconds. This should be simple compared to that.

He looked up to see Oscar crinkling his nose at something in the distance. Axel followed his gaze.

A pet store.

It was undeniable that Oscar had a love for animals. The boy, ever since he was a toddler, bonded with any and every animal that wandered into his path.

At first, Axel thought it was rather dumb. Animals were weak. The ones that Oscar connected to, cats, dogs, horses, and cows, weren’t hunters or predators like Axel preferred. He didn’t care for the countless cats and dogs Oscar brought home.

Otto, on the other hand, also loved these animals. He wasn’t necessarily good with pets, too big and clumsy, but he tried. The pets seemed to appreciate that.

And eventually, Axel begrudgingly began to warm up to these animals too. The cats weren’t all that bad.

Oscar’s eyes narrowed.

There was nothing they could really do about the trapped pets though. It might draw attention to them and it would distract from their real mission. But Axel knew his brother wouldn’t forget about them.

Oscar looked over to him, and Axel nodded ever so slightly. _After_.

It was brief, but Oscar smiled his appreciation.

Then Otto approached, rubbing his gun with strange affection. He glanced from Axel to Oscar, then to the pet store in the distance. Most people thought Otto was the dumb one, but he was pretty good at figuring things out. Just as good as his brothers.

Silently, he reassured Oscar with a steady hand on his shoulder. They knew what it meant. The brothers had communicated for years with ease without ever needing to actually utter a word. There was an undefinable, unbreakable bond between them.

This would be an easy mission. They'd just have to finish it first.

Easy mission.

They had no idea.

Axel clasped his hands together, not caring if his fingernails ripped into his skin and made him bleed. Physical pain was foreign to him. It had been for a while.

But the emotional pain he felt now, the raw, aching pain that seemed to seize every part of his body and brain, was fresh.

They never got to save those animals from the store. They never finished their mission.

It hurt equally to think about each brother’s death.

Oscar’s fate was both astonishing and horrifying. Axel remembered the moment vividly. He’d never forget.

The youngest brother always had a knack for wandering off. Whether it was to save a helpless animal or to explore a random area, Oscar continuously managed to lose himself in his surroundings. There were countless times when Axel and Otto had to bring him back. But they never minded.

Axel just never knew Oscar’s careless wandering would be a factor in his death. 

There was a deafening boom, shattering Axel’s eardrums and seizing his heart. And when he turned, Oscar was nowhere to be found.

Axel wildly scanned the woods, his breath catching in his throat. Were his brothers alright? What happened? Had someone thrown a grenade at them?

He blindly saw Otto in the corner of his vision. _Thank God._

And then, with his ears ringing, Axel’s eyes fell on the only remaining part of his youngest brother.

He couldn’t remember much after that. Maybe he threw up. Maybe he passed out. Axel wasn’t quite sure.

But his mind was on fire.

His little brother, his Oscar, was dead. Gone. The taunting knife was still stuck in the tree, and later, Otto ripped it out vigorously, tears painted down his face.

Oscar was dead. He was the animal lover, avid explorer, and their mother’s favorite. The boy was also exceedingly kind-hearted, though it was shown rarely, and only to his family. Even when he was bloody and had murder in his cold eyes, Axel still saw Oscar as his gentle, baby brother.

At Oscar’s funeral, Axel felt himself cracking. Grief and vengeance plagued his mind. Slowly, his heart was falling apart. Otto’s gutted cry into the night didn’t even phase Axel. He felt the same way.

And then Otto died.

Otto, his bumbling, younger brother who had a pure, genuine love for his family that he wore on his sleeve. Oscar and Axel were never good at expressing their affection and fondness for one another.

But Otto didn’t have that same problem. He was wary of his brothers’s boundaries, and knew not to overstep. Yet he cared for them, inside and out.

Whenever they crashed at a new place, he’d thoughtlessly offer up the comfiest bed, or the softest couch. For food, he made sure Oscar and Axel ate first, and most. On missions, his eyes were half on their target, half on his brothers.

And Axel had strangled him to death.

The woman’s words still rang in his ears. Her power scared him the most. To Axel, the other siblings with their knife-throwing, teleporting, and telekinesis didn’t even compare to the whispering woman’s power.

The sight of Otto desperately straining under Axel’s grip, grasping at his wrists, tears leaking from his one good eye, and staring at Axel with utmost pleading and fear would all be scarred in Axel’s mind forever.

He couldn’t control himself. He wasn’t in control. Axel felt his heart, the rest of it, breaking as he choked the life out of his only remaining brother. _No, no, stop. Stop!_

Yet he couldn’t. He grip only tightened, and Axel couldn’t will his own body to resist. He was utterly and completely powerless.

Then Otto was dead too.

And the remaining part of Axel’s heart had shattered.

Axel brought himself out of his thoughts.

He hadn’t realized he’d been standing there, on the side of the road, staring at his shaking hands while reflecting on the past few days. He wasn’t sure if he should feel lucky that no one driving had hit him accidentally.

Perhaps it would be better if he did die. He had nothing to live for anymore. His brothers were gone. He couldn’t return to his family, his mother.

The Commission definitely wouldn’t let him after this failure. Plus, most of them seemed to be dead on the field that Axel had just left. He wasn’t quite sure what that was all about, but his mind had been too harrowed and burdened to care.

And also, even _if_ for some reason, Axel had been granted the opportunity to go back, he didn’t want to. Not without Oscar and Otto by his side. It would be worse than death to confront his mother alone, confessing that two of her sons had been brutally murdered. One at his hands. 

So this was his life.

Axel continued walking down the winding road, the sky as dark and gloomy as his thoughts. He had killed the strange woman. With her cunning plan, lavender scent, and seductive words, she had easily manipulated all of them into doing her bidding.

And Axel didn’t even know why. They had readily accepted this new mission, not knowing the depth of troubles that plagued these six siblings. They had more enemies than Axel could count, and unfortunately, one of them was the eccentric woman.

She was gone, and there was a burden lifted off of Axel’s shoulders. But in the place of it was an emptiness. He had no purpose anymore.

No family.

Then he heard a bus honking as it approached. Axel shifted over to the side, not quite wanting to be rammed into oblivion just yet.

But instead, it stopped for him. Axel stared at it, bewildered.

The outside was colorfully painted with strange signs and symbols, and Axel heard a gaggle of chatting and singing from within. The door opened, and a bright-eyed, bald man leaned out.

“Hey, fellow traveler. You need a ride?”

Axel didn’t even question the odds of this happening. His life was a series of strange, bewildering events. For a moment, Axel contemplated rejecting the man’s offer. Perhaps he would just wallow in his dark, sad thoughts until he finally had the courage to end his life and join his brothers in the afterlife.

But he knew they wouldn’t want that.

So with a heavy, tired sigh, Axel accepted the man’s offer and silently entered the strange bus.

He would continue to live, albeit with an odd group of enthusiastic strangers.

His brothers deserved this at least. Oscar, with his gentle love of animals and childlike innocence, and Otto, with his warm, selfless care for his family. They had been taken too early and too brutally. They deserved Axel living on because of them.

For them.  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I really connected to these blonde Swedish murder men this season. And I sympathized with Axel especially. What Allison forced him to do was so so dark. I feel like we knew hardly anything about them, but still, in the brief scenes they had, it was so emotional and family-oriented. Deserved better squad.


End file.
